1. There is a plethora of new men in my life, even though of course nothing's going anywhere. One guy even left me a voicemail, saying, "I don't know what you've done in the past couple weeks, but you really look good. I mean really." I saved that one in the archives. Then I pondered the implication that I'd obviously looked like a total dog (or at least nothing special) to this guy, what, only two weeks ago?! I erased the stupid voicemail.
2. *name redacted* called me to tell me that my other, temporary new bike was ready! She'd toiled away on a weekend morning with it, and then when I got there, she dangled a piece of heavy metal (which looked suspiciously like a piece of pipe that had come off of the underside of her kitchen sink, which really made me want to turn her kitchen sink on, just to see what would happen, but it may have actually been a bike stem or something, which just goes to show you how much I know about bike parts and kitchen sinks) from my knee by a string, in a very scientific manner, during an incredibly scientific bike fitting, performed in her living room and lasting approximately 5 minutes because I was worried about intruding while she was getting ready for her frate*.
*A frate may or may not be a "friend situation" that may or may not become a "date situation," depending on the intent of the parties and who's reading this and whether or not it's a secret. And if it's a secret, then I meant to say that she was getting ready to ship something abroad, and I simply misspelled "freight."
The bike disintegrated like a mummy from the last Indiana Jones movie, 25 yards into my ride home. Kidding! Here's a shot of my temporary new pimpin' cross-turned-road bike, safe and sound:
And then Cyclesportsmechanicguy safety-checked it for me on the spot, made some teeny tiny tweaks and pronounced it a safe and cool ride, and then refused to let me pay him (I made sure to take my helmet off)! One word: S p l o t c h3. My brand new crash replacement bike has arrived!!!! And it's not even June yet! The shop called today to tell me it's built and ready, and if I want to bring in my pedals, they'll put them on, and also my special cassette that I purchased for my original bike. How did they even know about mysplotch!? That part's a mystery, even to me.
-topic change-
The local NPR station had one of their painful pledge drives recently, but the one cool thing about it was that they were advertising this one gift in particular that I'd never heard of, and that I immediately saw was perfect for my parents, who aren't getting any younger, and also indirectly perfect for me (the one who is totally stressed about this whole "old" thing and having to put my parents in a home pretty much any day now):
http://www.positscience.com/products/
Cognition-enhancing software! Well of course you practically have to donate a kidney to NPR to get that gift, so I just emailed the link to my dad (who'd called me on my birthday and started rambling on and on about some guy I didn't know that he hasn't seen in 20 years, until finally I had to remind him that I was at work, hullo!), but I didn't hear back, so I'm pretty sure he didn't buy it. Actually, I'm a little worried that he's forgotten how to check his email or use the mouse. Then, I tested my mom's cognition, by asking her in the most subtle way whether she knew the meaning of "exsufflicate" ("sesquipedalian" is one of her favorite words). She didn't (major red flag!). But then I received an email from her:
Empty, frivolous. Huh! It wasn't in the dictionary but I Googled it, so don't send me a cognition program...Hm. Not exactly reassuring.
PS: Before I sent this, I looked it up again in Google and that time I couldn't find it (am i in the twilight zone?)
6 comments:
mysplotch, frate, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAhahahAHAHA!!!
I hope your bike is made of stronger material than clear plastic lined with crumpled foil, yet somehow that and a refrigerator will get you a cup of coffee and protect Indiana Jones from a nukyooler blast sending him, stowed in a crisper drawer, into the stratosphere and dropping him 10 stories onto the desert.
In yo mama's defense, I do believe exsufflicate is an ex-word: "Exsufflicate \Ex*suf"fli*cate\, a.
Empty; frivolous. [A Shakespearean word only once used.]"
Ah yes, the preservative power of the refrigerator crisper drawer!
From my brother, who quoted the Oxford English Dictionary online (the link didn't work for me, because I don't have an annual subscription...he's got an annual subscription?!):
Obs. rare 1.
[app. an arbitrary formation on EXSUFFLATE. Hanmer 1744 proposed to read exsuffolate, from It. suffolare to whistle, to bizze, to whizze' (Florio); this was adopted by some later editors.]
Puffed up, inflated, 'windy'.
bizze, whizze???
Awww, hizell no!! Oxford tryin to be off the heezy wid its bizze whizze, but they just stuck they nose all up in my bizzizzle, fo shizzle. I be sendin' my lawyers all up in the bizzotch and they can deal wif Skadden, Arps, Serena, Trina & Jennifah LOHpez.
What?? the single chainring seems still single (no front derailleur)...and the cassette size still looks the same (so does the rear derailleur)...and the brakes look the same...the saddle, also. So, what exactly was tweaked on the Pearlie?
Aha! Was this your bike, originally? You seem intimately familiar with it!
Alas, the Ice Queen's cassette was combined with my road wheels (which were pumped to the perfect road pressure I might add) - I understand that was the part that required the online tutorial, and the cranks were combined with my pedals. All cyclesports mechanicguy really did was a lot of shifting back and forth, to make sure that was all working right (it was!), and screw-checking, to make sure they were on tight (they were!), and then he cut the excess cable that was wound around the cassette and could have gotten caught in the cog and killed me.
Ah I see, that's right, the original owner had the Stans rims on the Pearlie (or Ice Queen)...I guess that's an intimate detail to know.
No, it was not my bike, it's too big for this midget on heels.
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