Friday, February 6, 2009

Gyrating in Dirt

After I spent about 15 minutes trying to get my pimpin' new loaner mountain bike into my car ...

...without removing any wheels (it's got a funky fork, so it's best not to mess with it) (oh, and it did not go willingly, but Jen, it went carefully, I swear! Success!), I headed to China Camp.

I was late!!!

Michael More was eating pasta in his car when I arrived. Looked, but didn't see a microwave. Hm. Wonder if he'd cooked it on the engine block. He's a plumbing contractor. But today, he generously took a break to show me how to shred.

Well, I'm currently unemployed, but he was really nice to agree to help me out (he had to show me how the shifters worked, that's what he was dealing with) so I paid him in home-baked chocolate chip cookies:

Michael immediately informed me that one of the cookies was broken:

So. Lesson 1: How to build a bike trail on protected land.

KIDDING!

First lesson was on gravel. He told me to take a tight turn. After I'd
gone in a circle for a while, he asked me what was going on for me while I was turning. I told him I was really nauseated. And that to effect the turn, I'd steered the handlebars while trying to relax.

He told me that was exactly what he'd wanted to hear. I beamed! Because that's wrong, said he.

You steer with your eyes. Your head is a gyroscope. It stays level, always up, scanning where you want to go. Smoothly. Your body, and your bike, will follow. Don't get fixated on the trail.

So it was Bayview, to Oakridge, to Shoreline.


He was so right. I'd heard it before ("look where you're going, not where you are"), but I think the gyroscope concept made it happen for me. And using him for target practice (he stood in the turn, telling me to look at him while he walked through it, as I rode through it just behind him). And trusting that it would work. I fought hard with the urge to preview my impending death as I turned toward the embankment, but the gyroscope prevailed, and I made every last switchback. Every one. Even the hairpin turn on a descent at the end.

I did have to try a couple switchbacks more than once to get them without unclipping my foot from the pedal, or stopping. But he waited until I'd executed each one successfully. And he cheered me on the whole way.

Besides switchbacks, we did a little drop-off thingy, and we practiced some downhill technique. (weight over the back wheel, look up, feet at nine and three, front brake only, emergency exit off the back!). But the double black diamond downhill comes later. Brown sugar brownies for that one.

The only time I shrieked was when we collided at the beginning of the ride. So we got that out of the way early.

Funny thing is, he chatted me up during the really terrifying skinny-rocky-6"-wide-trail-on-edge-of-a-cliff parts ("Do you watch British TV shows?"), and then afterwards, he'd say, "I didn't want to tell you this, but only three people have ever made it through that section alive [high five]." And then he'd make a point to stop at random easy parts and say things like, "it's very important that you look out for this twig."

Whatever his technique, it works. What a phenomenal teacher.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Money for Nothin'/Eggs for Free

The free Ikea Breakfast

Get 8 hours of sleep the night before and muster all strength.

Enter through the exit door (there will be soup kitchen-caliber lines at the front entrance, even on a weekday morning - consider the economy for chrissakes).

Deep breath. Push forward. Literally, if needed. Don't worry, it's Ikea. Brandish your free tape measure and mini pencil.

Don't take off your sunglasses (or put them on, if it's raining out). You'll come upon a large energy-efficient-flourescent-lightbulbly-lit area, filled beyond legal capacity, not only with brightly colored strewn-about chairs, and blindingly white tables, but also with aggressive primates. Focus on the primate in front of you, and guard your position in the Disneyland ride line that will take you to the free food.


Sweaty Line Cooks will hurl plates onto the counter. Be vigilant, these SLCs are about to get laid off, and there's no guardrail on the counter.

The Free Brekkie Challenge

This here is where you'll encounter your first major obstacle. It's after 10 am (Ikea opens at 10, hullo), and you haven't yet had your coffee, nor have you eaten. You're weak. You're stressed. You're humiliated to be eating alone at Ikea of all places, when all the other Ikea losers seem to have brought their unemployed buddies with them. And their 17 screaming kids. I think it's fair to say, without exaggeration, that you're under duress.

And SLCs will be yelling at the top of their lungs. At you. What about?

About what else you can get that isn't free.

A larger breakfast.
A cinnamon bun.


Ladies and gentlemen, that's why you brought your bright orange earplugs. The ones you might have worn to your Tuesday morning spin class, when every song had the work "fuck" in it, and the yoga teacher opened the door of the shared gym wall to ask the instructor to please turn down "America, Fuck Yeah" during shivasana. Take them out of each side pocket of your jeans (your "holsters") with each hand, make pistol discharge noises pointing first one, then the other, and stick them in your ears. You're now ready for the counter-attack.

The Counter-Attack

Every time one of the SLCs yells at you, yell back "WHÄT" even louder. Make sure there's an umlaut in your "WHÄT," for greater effect.

Since there's power in confusion, you might consider throwing out a random "PJÄTTERYD!!!" which is apparently an olive motif painting created by Peter Westrup (available in the self-serve section, dowstairs), but it's close to sounding like it could be a bowel disorder, which might shake them up long enough for you to make your escape.

The Coffee Challenge

The highest potential for great violence occurs here, so stop skimming and focus for just a second.

The coffee will be gone at 10:03, before you've made it through the food line. Just accept it as truth. Assume a strategic position near the creamer and wait. Look menacingly at the other coffee loving bastards and their idiot buddies, and know they don't stand a chance. You're from the east coast. Fight for position with the SLC bringing the coffee. Make sure she's the only one who gets through. You're gold, Jerry. Gold. Fill, cream, and run.

RUN! SAVE YOURSELF!


The Confession

I bought a cinnamon bun. It was only a dollar more.

A Viable Alternative

Anyway, you could do Trader Joe's instead. It's 3 blocks away, they open at 9, there's always coffee, and today there were banana waffles. The portions are tiny, but that's good for your waistline. And if you want to get fancy, you can time your arrival(s) at the demo counter to staff shift changes and whatnot, so no one really knows how many waffles and coffees you've had.

I was thinking about bringing my huge stainless steel Sigg thermos, filling up, and videotaping their reaction.

Hey, don't bite my moves.