Laura University

I was thinking today that I'd start a university. Mainly because I'm jonesing for one of those super-thick hoody college sweatshirts, and I don't want to wear the name of some dumb school that didn't even prepare me for real life. Here's the core curriculum so far....

Yoga Self-Defense (3 phys ed. credits)
Yogis are not always "zen." There are some, at a certain West Berkeley gym, who will slam you against a wall without hesitation to compete for a spot on the floor where they can hurry up and start achieving tranquility, connection to the world, and whatnot. Do you want spiritual enlightenment? Well hey: Grow a set. Coursework includes ancient sanskrit method instruction on how to run into class, quickly throw your stuff down in strewn-about piles, designed to hold your place while you run over to the yoga mats in a complete panic for a "not-too-icky" mat and return to your spot all while staring down the idiot who's eyeing your spot and who thinks they're about to get away with moving your strewn-about stuff so that they can throw down their pristine brightly-colored mail-order eco-friendly recycled rubber yoga mat and conveniently close their eyes fake meditation-style until class starts (along with the guy next to them, who refused to save the spot, suggesting the "throw down your stuff" approach instead).

The Illusion of Neutrality (3 poli sci, sociology, or criminal justice credits)
I have this friend. Her name is Shmaura. She's a total dumbass, because she introduced her single male friend to her single female cousin and was determined to be optimistic that all would be fine as long as she stayed out of it, even refusing to take the bait when her single male friend kept sneakily plying her for information and her single female cousin called her don't-ask-don't-tell policy "so American" in a not-very-complimentary tone. This course explores Shmaura's downward spiral, from neutral, loving friend/cousin who had the best intentions, could do no wrong, and loved/was loved by all, to miserable friendless cousin-killer whose Murder 1 conviction was sealed by the corroborative testimony of the entire city of Oakland, which overheard her screaming at the top of her lungs, "WTF?! I never said you needed to lose 40 lbs! How did that even come UP?! I'm going to kill her!" If there's time, we'll discuss viability of the "prison day pass" (so that she can bring a really fattening non-vegetarian meat pie to her former male friend at the eating disorder clinic).

Don't Ever Make Plans. Or: Make Breakable Plans Constantly (3 philosophy credits, but note that this course schedule conflicts with the only other course that you really want)
Have you ever noticed that when you make plans, suddenly about a million things that you wanted to do are happening on that day, or that one person you've been wanting to see for months is finally available at that very time? And you've got absolutely no commitments at any other time that month? Why does that happen?